What Are The Odds?

“Well most people aren’t successful in this industry”. The well-meaning lady said to me as she struggled with the idea of her own child pursuing a career as an actor. Feeling quite defensive for the child who was just brave enough to open her mouth in front of an audience and perform, I jumped in with a response about how it is possible, and you just have to work hard. The conversation took an awkward spin as she tried to tell me she’s sure I’ll be successful. ….I immediately became filled with rage and exited the conversation politely, I didn’t know how to respond in the moment. Looking back I wanted to say “Bitch I already am! Have you seen my resume?!”. The answer was no- she didn’t know everything I had done and accomplished in the industry. But the bigger issue was that I allowed in that moment for her definition of success (whatever that may be) to affect how I felt about myself. It wasn’t a matter of me not knowing my definition of success- but the fact that she had a different one and placed that judgement on me bothered me so deeply. She insinuated that I was not yet successful and the sting revealed to me old injuries that were buried deep. I piled this comment on with plenty of others from people growing up who laughed at a career in the arts – as well as those from people who, after I was a college graduate and working in the field, put it down as “not a real job”. 

Many reasonable and responsible adults like to look at how competitive an industry is and what the odds of success may be. If this past year has taught me anything, it is that the odds don’t mean shit. They have nothing to do with your personal path and your personal story. 

This year I had a stroke at age 29. The odds of me having the kind of stroke(s) I did for the reason I did are quoted to be a 1 in 200,000 chance, possibly more. Later in the year I had a simple stent procedure that would prevent me from having another stroke and I got a staph infection. (Which could have been a lot worse than it was but still led to a life-threatening situation including two surgeries, one of them being life threatening itself.) Apparently, the chances of me or anyone getting a staph infection from a surgery like this were 1 in 100 …at a recent appointment a PA said more like 1 in 200. If we’re playing with odds here, I did not like either of those odds. 

During my first hospitalization of the year my priorities became crystal clear. First, of course – the people in my life. This was not a huge revelation. I just ached to be near them all. For them to know I loved them and to know they had my back. Then, my art and my artistry. The thing I was most afraid of losing was my ability to dance and sing. I desperately wanted the chance to create and to pursue this career again, as I had barely been doing for the past year. 

The odds of “making it” or “finding success” in this business seem laughable to me now. They mean nothing. If you are a parent please I beg you – do not decide to support your child’s endeavors based on the odds of their “success”. -Your version of success. The odds mean nothing if they are following the path they are called to. 

Everyone’s definition of success is different -right? And many artists are ever-hungry, always seeking the next thing no matter how “far” they make it. Success is not a stationary place in which we arrive. I do think those outside the industry have a very skewed definition of success for those who are in it. Many People think that unless you’re famous enough to have most people in the country know your name or at least have seen something you’ve been in you must not have “made it”. This is very annoying to anyone actually working and making a living in the industry. And very misleading for any young person who is pursuing this career path. 

I believe, and have witnessed in those around me, that getting to Broadway or booking a tv series won’t necessarily lead you to this arrival of feeling successful. It won’t fix feelings of doubt and struggle and imposter syndrome. The healing cannot be based on the bookings. This only leads us to feeling more empty. However, all the pain and hurt and frustration we feel can be used to make art. Take your broken heart and turn it into art… someone once said. The past seven months this is exactly how I have felt- heartbroken. Time to take the broken heart and make it into art.

Sometimes the most difficult odds to beat are the ones in our own minds. Sometimes in my mind there are no odds – it’s that the whole thing simply feels impossible. I had an incredible opportunity to return to my alma mater this year as a contracted guest artist to choreograph and teach. I signed on for this long before my most detrimental and recent stroke. I almost decided not to go. My mind was still in a fog. I still had to rest most hours of the day. I hadn’t even gone into a grocery store yet because the stimulus would overwhelm my brain, slow me down and my speech, and make me dizzy. Even if I could get enough clarity to prepare clear choreography for the young professionals, how would I respond to the stimulus of 30 people in a room and then run a rehearsal in that room? It seemed utterly impossible. Any discipline I had pre-stroke seemed to have vanished along with my motivation. Most the time I just thought I couldn’t do it. Somehow, I kept trying anyways. 

And then it was done. 

Now I can look back and see how although it felt impossible the entire time, it was possible the entire time and it was actually the thing that brought me to my next stage of recovery. When faced with the next impossible thing I am going to try to remind myself that I have felt this before – and it became possible. The next time I am faced with a triggering comment about how competitive my industry is, and “the odds”, I am going to remember the odds have nothing to do with me. 

Does your belief about the odds stop you from trying something – or worse – stop your children from trying? If the odds don’t matter for me then why do they need to matter for you? I often find myself, as I think many others do, stuck in a place where my dreams seem impossible and all odds are against me. After this past year I truly believe all things are pointing me to the next place I need to be. The universe is actually for me. The odds are actually with me. So here is to you and to me, beating all odds. May this year be expansive for you and your loved ones. Its good to be back in your inbox. 🙂