Mostly Fine

Sometimes I feel so okay with this. So okay that life just gets to be on hold. So okay that I get a break from all of the “hard things” in life. And that I’m not behind- because no one is out there doing the things that I could be doing right now in my normal life. And then I start to think a little more. Think about why I’m so okay with it. Think about how it’s somehow been five weeks since first arriving in Colorado and how is that possible. Think about what the hell is happening and why the hell am I so okay right now. Then I become not okay. For no clear or specific reason. Everything feels wrong. Why am I trapped in this house. It is not the same sort of anxiety that I have become so familiar within the city. Where the stimulus is just too much for my little system to handle. It is more of a pressure in the chest. A pressure that builds up and keeps building, as if some bundle of air is deciding to expand further and further inside my chest. I am angry and sad and I feel all of it and none of it makes sense. So many people in the world are facing unimaginable loss, heartbreak, and suffering. Then I look outside. I am in Conifer, Colorado. Outside is…. The same. Nature is the same here. It feels like such a peaceful constant. And so disorienting at the same time. I look at pictures of cities around the world and they are empty. And clean. And so different. But here in my little mountain neighborhood- the trees are the same. The dirt and rocks are still here. The animals are well in their homes. This is their home really and we just moved into it. And sometimes it snows. And the snow is the same. Being here among the trees I feel hugged by the forest, as I have said before. It is as if nature is here saying, it is okay, we are still here. All of that human stuff you think matters- doesn’t matter. We will be here long after all of your human problems have come and passed. We are what matters.

The last time I was in Colorado this long was…. About three and a half years ago. And next week I will surpass that amount of time and it will have been about 6 years since being home this long. It is strange to be here like this. Usually, when I come home it is for a vacation. I look back over the past several weeks and I definitely haven’t allowed myself to enjoy my time as I would on a vacation. I look back and the weeks seem empty. Then I look back to the Holiday ten days at home in December- and they feel so full and so enjoyed. The days were no different. They were just days. But the way I allowed myself to move through them was so different. And yet… I can’t just be here watching movies all day, drinking holiday cocktails, and eating cookies because this is not vacation and we do not know how long we will be here. And yet… there is room for enjoyment, and much more room for freedom, if I allow it. Feeling trapped- I definitely get that feeling in New York. But really the biggest trap no matter where I am is in my mind. I can spend my days allowing myself to feel big and free. Or I can spend my days deciding I have no choices in my life and I am bound by my to-do list. Even now. Even here. Even then. Even in New York. 

I was talking to my dear friend about the goals I had set out for myself. There are several books I want to read that I have wanted to read for a long time. I built myself a syllabus that I quickly “failed” at. She reminded me- we can be training our nervous systems- especially now, this is an opportunity to teach our bodies that we can make small goals, and we can reach them, and we can feel GOOD about them. Training the nervous system. Way to throw that one back in my face, Anne ;). She’s so right. If I can’t feel good about the work I am doing and the goals I am making now when I am the one determining almost my entire life and schedule, how am I supposed to ever feel good about it when I have twenty other commitments to attend to throughout the week in the city?

Joe and I were on a hike the other day and it seemed to take quite a long time. 

“Humans are so slow,” I told him, “Almost any animal could get through this trail faster than us”.

“Yeah, but if we kept going all day, or for multiple days, humans will always be faster,” he told me. He explained that it has been proven that humans have the best endurance out of any animal. That yes other animals are much faster than us, but they cannot keep going, day after day, the way we can. And we ultimately can cover more ground. I did not fact check this but who cares I like this. And it reminded me that humans are incredibly resilient. So many of my peers feel stuck right now. Many artists feel at a standstill in their careers. That terror creeps in that we may never reach our goals or our dreams. But this concept reminded me that humans have this ability to keep going for the long road. It may feel like disaster striking this Earth is the end of your artistic pursuits. But this life is long if we are lucky. And you can get far when you take your time and travel slow. 

I heard Rob Bell talk the other day about his artist friend who explained that she is used to inconsistent jobs and life. As he shared this it rang true to me… ahh this is why I’m… mostly fine. Artists- you have been living a life of “instability” for a long time. You have lived paycheck to paycheck and gig to gig. Not knowing where or when the next job will be is part of the life. Compared to most people- right now- you are most likely “fine”. More fine than you may realize. Most of the country does not know this instability. Just remember you have an advantage in navigating the twist and turns being thrown at you right now. And most importantly- no one can take your art from you. Your art does not exist solely for the enjoyment of other people. Your art does not exist to make you money. It exists to fill your soul. So keep making your art- whatever it is. 

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Let me know how you and your people are doing! Keep me posted. Below are the links from the last blog! Sending you peace and health!

If you’d like to take my barre class- I am still teaching for Fithouse via zoom. You can use the promo code FHONLINEFREE at fithouse.com to take my class for free (wherever you are!). I’ll be teaching Wednesdays at 8:30am, Thursdays at 5:30pm, Fridays at 9:30am and Sundays at 10:30am ALL TIMES ARE IN EST. You can also download the “Fit-house” app to sign up. Sing up in advance. You will be emailed a zoom link!

I’ve had the honor of doing some work for The First Responder’s Childrens Foundation this past year and weeks. Go to 1strcf.org to make a donation that will benefit the families of first responders (and beyond) in this crisis.

If you like theatre, like Peter Pan, have kids, know kids, know someone who knows kids- this link is for you. This is a link to the Barter Player’s production of Peter Pan. I have not yet watched it myself but I can bet on my life that it will be one of the most magical pieces of theatre you will see on film! Because that’s what the Barter Players do. For $15 you can watch this film as many times as you’d like for two weeks! -Give some kids some stimulating and empathy-enriching screen time. And help this theatre company stay afloat. Click HERE. Follow the link to find Peter Pan “on-demand”. Funny story I am in one of the photos but I promise I’m not actually in this production :).