Audition season is truly about your inner mind game. A deep part of me knows, “The slow path is okay.” And then… then it starts to feel too slow. And then the panic comes. Then you remember there is a timeline. Sure it’s made up in your head but it’s there. I remember hearing about people giving up after being in final callbacks for Broadway productions. Giving up like leaving the business. To me it sounded like giving up, to them it very well could have been a step forward, a step towards more joy. But I remember not understanding- how could someone get so close and then stop? You are almost there! Keep going! I do get it a little bit more now. When you almost get a thing, and then you don’t. It begins to feel like maybe it will never happen. You think “That was my shot. There will never be another.” Or, “I’m the person who almost gets it, but will never be the person who does.”. These are easy lies to believe. But you choose if they or lies or not. And whatever you choose is what they will be. Easier said than done.
In this whole audition mind-game “thing”, it’s also your choice to decide how well you’re doing. Because no one else can really tell you. Get feedback when you can and continue to learn and grow as an artist. But in terms of how “well” you’re doing, the reality is- it’s how you feel about it that matters. And isn’t that the reality of life? It’s not actually about what’s happening it’s about how you feel about what’s happening. I could go through an audition season and feel completely terrible about every step of the way- even with getting callbacks, even with actually booking something. -It’s not about what happens it’s about how you feel about it, and what identity you adopt because of how you feel about it. I could go through an identical audition season and count every audition as a win. Every callback as a huge win, and a job offer no matter where or how small or big as a win-win-win. And then I could feel on top of the world. I actually have the power to decide if I am “winning” audition season or not. But when you are out there on your own and there isn’t much feedback- there is mostly silence- it’s hard to write the story in your head the way you want it. But this story is the work that really counts. “What is the story you are telling yourself?”, my lovely acting coach always says. “The most important voice is the one in your head. “
A huge win I’d love to share- I had a day last week where I was seen four times for four different auditions. I got in the room FOUR TIMES in one day. As a non-union person. One of those auditions was a pre-determined appointment. But to be honest I don’t know that I had ever even been seen twice in one day before! This was a huge win and I didn’t even know it was possible. Then the next day I got up hella early to sign up, like you do, I left and came back all ready for the audition and as soon as I walked into the room they announced that non-eq were released (aka not being seen). I immediately turned around and escaped the room before the mass of people tried to leave with me. Then there was that moment where you leave the dance call and you have way too much makeup on for a normal day but there you are in all your glory.
I had a moment today thinking about how far my nervous system has come in terms of auditioning. -Although there is still much room for growth here. As I walked into the Equity building and headed up to the correct floors and elevators, I remembered a time when just arriving at the building sent me into a panic. Okay you get there, you show your ID, then you get up to the fourth floor, but then where do you go from there? You push a number on the fancy console, but what floor is it again? I remember texting my roommate Josh in a panic about which floor to go to an audition at the Equity building. And then going to the wrong floor. And then having to start over. The elevators truly felt like they were laughing at me. The whole building was just too pretentious. (And truly the building does take itself too seriously. We should be allowed to have coffee in the Equity waiting room. We don’t need to be sooo uptight. Just my opinion.). As this memory came to me I acknowledged that I am in a very different place. My nervous system no longer completely runs into over-drive at sight of the different buildings and there elevators. And training your nervous system is an important step. Pete Holmes (comedian) on his podcast the other day said in reference to why it was important for comedians to get up and practice their sets every day, “It’s not about practicing the way you say your jokes, it’s about practicing lowering your heart rate…. practicing being calm in a weird-ass situation.” This is the stuff! This completely applies to auditioning. What a weird fucking situation we are in when we audition. Just do it. And practice the calm.
It is so so easy when in a vulnerable situation to make excuses and to shut down. The other day I could feel myself starting to do that at a dance call. And I let myself. And I’m glad I let myself this time because I had to really understand what excuses I was making, to know how to say FUCK. THAT. No more.
The excuses for me this day were, drummm roll please:
You are a foot taller than everyone in this room.
You are not a hip hop dancer or a street jazz dancer.
This isn’t your thing, you can’t keep up, this movement wasn’t made for your body.
Here’s the thing-all of these excuses have truth to them. The best excuses do. But it is up to me to decide if I let them become my truth, my excuses. Gross. Even writing “my excuses” makes me want to throw those words on the floor and stomp all over them. Because you know what? The only thing between me and where I want to be are excuses. Excuses. I will NOT MAKE EXCUSES. Because I am not a victim to my own life. So into a hip hop class I go. Asap.
My mom gave me a tote bag when I was younger (still in school) from the “Life is Good.” company. On it was written “Naturally Optimistic”. I asked my mom if she thought I was “Naturally Optimistic.” “No” she said. Haha! I love my mom’s honesty. It is one of my favorite things about her. She went on to say other wonderful things about how I work to be optimistic and that is why it is even more admirable. But it would be more fun to leave it at her saying “No”. Hehe. Love you, Mom.
My mom was very right I am not naturally optimistic. I do think I naturally have the ability to find renewal and growth in challenging situations. But I naturally am more of a “Life is poopy” person. It might appear that I am good at optimism. (Especially when you don’t see me every day). I think that is because I have had to develop optimism to get back on track. Because I am constantly falling into big holes of despair until I remember ‘oh right I don’t have to live this way’. Whatever we naturally are- I believe that is only a very small part of what we actually are and what our potential is. We actually have a lot of say in the matter. We are not victims to our lives. I need this reminder EVERY DAY. So if you are not “Naturally optimistic”- congratulations. You have an even stronger opportunity to develop your “choosing” muscle.
Jenna, I love reading your posts. Be well and be happy! Teri [aka Mrs.Kimbell]
Thank you Mrs. Kimbell!!!!