Birthday Blog

I’m riding the train with Joe, on fire from a training session I just had with a new client. I’m jabbering away about the session when suddenly the words freeze in my mouth. And I see her. There she is. Sitting on the subway. Angled talking to her friend, exactly towards me so that I can see her perfectly. Sutton Foster. She is far enough away that I can blatantly stare without being too creepy. I am frozen in this moment. Feeling that this is a gift from the universe. 

“What is it?!” Joe asks. “What’s wrong.”.

“That’s Sutton Foster.” I whisper, without breaking eye contact. I can’t quite explain the joy I feel in this moment. What this person means to me.

When I was in high school I watched and listened to everything I could that Sutton Foster did. I felt connected to her. Like any role she played- I could play too. And any role she played- I could really understand. And get inside of. This person lit a fire inside me. She showed me that tall girls can play zillions of roles. One of the roads that led to our community theatre at home in Conifer was called Sutton. I made sure to drive on this road to the theatre as often as possible for extra luck in my rehearsals. And in some way it was a promise to my soul- that it was possible to pursue this thing. That it was possible to be a professional. I was inspired by Sutton’s story (a small piece of it). She was never supposed to play the title role in “Thoroughly Modern Millie”. She was the understudy. When the lead dropped out- she was offered the title role. Which often times is not what happens. The understudy doesn’t just get to take over the role. They bring in a new star. But in this case- the role was hers. And then she won a Tony. She won a Tony for a role she was never supposed to have. And some tall girl in Conifer, Colorado drove on a street each week to her community theatre on a road that was called Sutton. And maybe that meant that there were impossible things in her future too. Things that by all logical thinking, she isn’t “supposed” to have.

“Let’s go talk to her!” Joe said. 

I shook my head slowly -no. And just looked at her. Like a creep. Really could not look away. 

I am not starstruck by most celebrities. Mostly because I probably don’t know who they are. I’m not the most up to date with pop culture/current events/remembering anyone’s name ever especially some “famous person” who I have never met. But I always knew that if I ever got to meet or see Sutton Foster- it would be huge deal. 

The fact that I saw her on this day was a gift from the universe. And approaching her about it and saying hello was completely unnecessary. Because it really had nothing to do with her in her daily life. The bigness of what she means to me really isn’t affected by her knowing me. But her representing what she represents to me- and me seeing her for the first time in the flesh as a normal human being with a backpack on a train- that is huge. (Besides I am sure we will be great friends some day).

The next stop she got off the train. Like any other human person. And went on with her day. Her friend turned around and looked at me. She for sure could feel someone was staring them down. 

The train pulled out of the station. I began bawling immediately. Joe’s first response was to take a picture of me. It is the scariest picture of me that I have ever seen. There are so many emotions in it it’s a bit disturbing on some level. But pretty transparently honest. So I share it with you here. 

At work later that day I told a co-worker it was my birthday. She asked me what I wanted this next year to be about for me- what I wanted to work on. I told her I needed a moment to think about it. Then as soon as a walked away I knew what it was. It was as clear of a gut instinct as I’ve ever had. “Receiving” I heard a whisper in my mind. I told her I wanted to focus on receiving this year. I have talked before about how there is goodness every day to be received- but I don’t always let myself truly take it in. It excites me to have felt such clarity that receiving it the next thing. If I get better at receiving the little goodness I find each day- really letting it seep into my soul- think about how ready I will be to receive the big goodness. About an hour later my boss ushered me into the back office quite urgently. I was nervous that we were all in trouble for something. I walk back to find the whole office shoved in there surrounding the most gorgeous cake, lit with candles and everything. I again began crying immediately. I have lived in New York for almost two years, and never have I had a workplace give a shit about me. I’ve only been working here about two months. This felt pretty good to say the least.  

When I got home I was in for the best surprise of the day. My sweet boyfriend Joe had collected videos from friends and family and compiled a slide show for me. So again- sobbing for another half hour straight. At the end, I had to tell him how incredibly healing it was. Hearing these words from these different people reminded me of who I am. Something happened in the place I lived and worked previous to New York. I forgot the good parts of me. I really developed a loathing for myself in a way. I wouldn’t trade my time there for the world. The lessons I had to learn at that point in my life are priceless. And the goodness I received from this place was also big. Two years later, seeing a video of all these people who I love (Most of whom have known me most of my life) healed whatever bit of pain I had left from that time in my life. It reminded me of who I have always been and who I have grown into. I really could not be more grateful. Thank you, Thank you for the love. And if you ever have the opportunity to make someone a video from all of the people who love them- do it. I am in New York City far from most of my old friends and family, but I am not alone. I feel like I am settling into myself. I am 28 years old now. And I feel like I remember my 10-year-old self better and better. I’m pretty sure that’s a good sign. 

If anyone out there knows anything about Human Design- tell me!!!! I’m so into it. It is the bomb. I can’t wait to learn more! Thank you Annie Simpson for taking me to an event with an amazing speaker on Human Design. <3

If you read this blog and you are in New York City message me if you wanna come hang out for my birthday on Saturday. I’ll send you the details :). Because let’s CELEBRATE.

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