“How is your day going?” The Starbucks barista boy asks me at 8:30am.
“Actually pretty bad!” I reply and laugh at my honesty. I think he wants to know more. Or maybe not. Either way it pours out of me. “I set my alarm wrong and woke up an hour later that I was supposed to and so I had to get an Uber to take me to physical therapy. Then when I was almost ‘there’ I realized I had put in the completely wrong location and so I was no where near my physical therapy office and so they had to move my appointment which is going to screw up my whole day. And it’s raining outside and I have no rain stuff with me. …Now that I say that out-loud it doesn’t actually sound that bad. Everything will actually be fine!”
He laughs and says “That does sound bad”
“How is your day?” I ask.
“Actually not that great either! I’m so tired. Also my parents switched my contacts. I had my new contacts sitting out on the table and they put my old contacts box right next to it and I took the old ones and they are very foggy and so it is hard to see right now.”
“Oh no! I’m so sorry. I hope your day gets better.”
“You too! Things will start looking up”.
It wasn’t the day I had planned. I had planned to have time to do the things I needed to do. To do the things that I decided I needed to do. But instead it was a day where the schedule gets all twisted around and I am sitting in a Starbucks waiting to go to my new physical therapy appointment. My day twisted me around until the thing that I was avoiding doing was the thing I could start doing right then and there. You know when you do every thing on your to do list except for one or two things that you just put off for weeks or months? I had been avoiding some things like this. I was emailing an acting teacher of mine and pointed out the things that I had identified that were making me feel “paralyzed”. She replied asking, “What is the thing you’re afraid of?” This question kind of startled me. Oh. Clearly there was something that I was afraid of here… and I just hadn’t realized it. What was I afraid of? She also said “It’s time to get in the arena.”
The other night one of the people who I love most in this world pointed something out to me. “You have this idea that these things won’t come to you until you’ve worked hard enough to get them. Whenever you decide you’re ready for them- you are. You’re work is worthy. You are worthy.”
If this is the life I am choosing to live- it’s time to step into the arena. And to let go of the notion that the things I want in this life won’t come until I’ve somehow worked “hard” enough to make them come. I might be in the arena in some areas where I’m real comfortable. But others I hide away. I hide away parts of myself. I hide from parts of my dreams and goals. The arena doesn’t necessarily mean auditioning. Maybe for me. It could mean sending the email. Or it could mean- stop trying to protect yourself from others rejecting you- and just do the stuff. As long as I keep the notion that I have to work hard enough to get where I want- that can always be my safety net. ‘Well I just didn’t do enough work yet to get ‘blank’’. This can remain my protection. My justification for not getting ‘blank’ yet. And it will also stop me from getting ‘blank’. Because when will hard work be enough work?
It was this day when I was in a Starbucks I wasn’t supposed to be in and my schedule was not going the way it was supposed to go- that I made one small step towards the little things that scare me. It was almost as if because things got stirred up and I wasn’t able to control every minute of my day- I was disoriented enough to not try to control the things I was avoiding either. It’s actually as if this day was designed exactly to help me let go of the shit I didn’t need to I could finally get to the shit I did nee. Perhaps it is the days when things don’t go our way- that they are actually designed precisely for our benefit.
A quick train ride out of the city and there is forrest again! These are not mountains. I know if you are from Colorado you wouldn’t have even considered this. Just had to clarify.
Luv u jenna. Keep writing.
I love you, and I love when customers at Starbucks are honest with how their day is going because guess what, we don’t all have great days every day. Getting in the arena is hard because we are afraid we will get knocked down and won’t know how to get back up, but it is the only way to grow! Thanks for sharing!
Ohhh Thank you for that Adam! I love you too :). I agree- that is definitely a fear of mine. Thank you!
Your transparency is beautiful and your writing is so relatable!! Thanks for sharing and jump with both feet into that arena!!
Thank you Laura! Thank you for reading!