The Little Lie

There is this lie that if you push hard enough, do enough work, and do it fast enough- then you will reach your dreams. That’s how you reach your dreams. I’m starting to think something of the opposite is true. That it’s actually about not running too fast. Not outrunning your path. What if it’s actually about not letting the pressures of the world push you into an anxiety induced sprint where you are moving so fast that you actually miss things on your path. What if we are actually meant to flow in our life. Not race. Not push. Maybe the stuff is actually right around us. The life stuff. 

The trick is to not let the lie scare you into running past your life.

To be a professional artist requires work. To be a professional anything requires work. But I am learning over and over again that working too hard will actually deplete your artistry. It will actually make you a worse artist. In my humble opinion. I was always taught to work more, work harder, you can never work enough. -Or at least this is the lesson I latched onto. 

So many young artists don’t understand that it requires work. Many have adopted this idea that it’s an intuitive thing. That you can just show up and “be good”….it’s about talent. This idea of talent makes my stomach churn. This is how most of the outside world speaks about artists. And honestly it’s how many “artists” speak about artists. It’s honestly a load of crap. I don’t care how much ability you have. If you show up with only your ability, without any work being done, you will be the least interesting thing to me on the stage. No matter how pretty you look or how pretty you “sound”. Barf. (I say “sound” because pretty “sound” is also different than someone who has trained and developed the intricacies of their voice). So the “work hard” message can be important. And yet if this is the loudest message, if this is the message you live by, then this message will deplete you. Endless driving exertion is counter-productive to birthing artistry. 

This message about the necessity of hard work got pretty twisted up for me when it came into play with this idea of theatre as a service. Theatre as a service was one of the most powerful concepts to enter my life. It was language I needed to see why this art was important. And then, like I said, it got twisted. If everything you do on the stage is for the audience- if someone out there in the audience needs this performance from you- then you can never give enough. Right? Work harder- because someone out there needs you to. And yet, in my working harder I began to feel less and less fulfilled in the work I was doing. But that’s okay right? Because the work isn’t for me. It’s for them. I heard this quote on the Robcast this week (a podcast by Rob Bell) that brings everything into perspective pretty simply. “If it’s not working for you then it’s not working for whoever you’re trying to serve.” And that’s really it. Fill your cup up. Fill your soul up. And then what you have to share, will be of much greater service. 

Some days auditioning feels empowering. Like you are unstoppable. Like things are flowing. Like you just poured your heart into a story, and it was heard. Then, other days it feels like you need to curl up in fetal position and cry in your bed for at least one full hour before you will be anywhere near okay. I am grateful to have experienced this full spectrum of auditioning. Unfortunately this week was more like the latter. Definitely several moments of ending the audition day and just wanting to get the hell OUT of there. Like, please no one look at me, definitely don’t talk to me, just let. me. leave. I feel exhausted and definitely have some filling up of my cup to do. And yet- I know this is the path. There is no where else I am meant to be right now. This is the stuff not to run past. A funny thought was posed to me this week (pretty sure this one came from the Robcast too-I’m on a roll): if I had my bills paid forever- what would I be doing? And the answer is- this is what I would be doing. And also if I had no money at all- this is what I’d be doing. This is what I am doing. In all the versions of my life. This is the stuff. 

I worked an event this week and talked with a woman about her ideas on our energy and how we draw things in- or don’t. She said you must believe the things you are going after can and will actually happen. If there is a disconnect between what you want and what you believe- those things won’t happen. And yet if you are holding onto these dreams and desires too tightly, there’s no room for them to happen. So how do you desire these things, and also fully believe in these things, and not hold on too tightly?Perhaps if you are holding on too tightly to the thing you want- that is evidence that there is fear involved- that you might not actually get it. In this case your belief must shift. Kristin Bell talked about how attachment is what causes suffering. How can we believe something, and not hold onto it at all? Maybe believing in something so much allows you to actually let go of it. Then you don’t have to hold it. It can kind of just float around you. When you pass the work threshold into “working too hard” I think it is impossible to hold things lightly. But that is also part of the lie- that we have to “hold onto our dreams” and never let them go. I think perhaps the opposite is true. Let them go. Just never stop believing. 

I leave you with this wisdom from both Rob and Kristin. 

“Take one day a week to remind yourself that your worth and value does not come from how many bricks you lay”-Rob Bell “One day a week to remind yourself that you are good enough just as you are.” -Kristin Bell “You take a day a week to remind yourself that there is no one left to impress. That this isn’t a job interview that there is no test.” -Rob Bell

You can find the Robcast for free here. Find episode 173. 

I’m excited to be singing in this cabaret on Saturday! Two whole songs. Yippee!

This is how my hair looks in the morning after getting my new haircut. I’m still learning how to tame it……to see a picture of how it is supposed to look you can click to my instagram below. 

This is what this CITY looked like one early-ass morning before an audition. She’s a beauty. 

This was a snack box all set up when I got into my practice room one morning. Although I’m sure Pearl Studios intended for me to have it…. I decided to leave it for whatever producer was using this room next.