The Waiting.
Doctor’s can really scare the crap out of you. My doctor today told me for the third time that if healing doesn’t work we would have to remove my sesamoid bone. REMOVE it. Okay I know the bone is tiny but removing a bone from my body just does not sound like a good idea. And this is not the idea she wants to pursue. But she is trying to get me to really take the healing seriously. Well I am taking it seriously. I don’t know how I could take it more seriously. I am glad she gave me crutches because it is honestly impossible to go anywhere in this city without walking a bit. Why I wasn’t given them sooner I am not sure. But I will gladly take them. I reached out to a doctor I had seen over a year ago and he told me flat out that the only solution would be to remove the bone because it probably won’t heal. SHHHHH IT CAN HEAR YOU. I want to say. But I was reading an email. So really
Right now I am playing the waiting game. Waiting for my sesamoid to heal. Also waiting to hear about contracts. It is so hard to let go after you have an audition. So hard. How do you not want it? Of course you want it- it’s a job. But it’s more than a job it’s an opportunity for a creative endeavor. And not a solo one. One you couldn’t possibly take part in on your own. One that requires the efforts of a whole cast and teams of people to create the final product. How lucky is every person who ever gets to be in a play? How cool to be apart of something that truly couldn’t happen without everyone’s involvement? Anyways how do you audition and not get your hopes up? I don’t actually know. It’s so much easier said than done. Once you have poured your heart into certain roles and begun an artistic process with people on the artistic team- how do you not get attached? Because that’s what we do- we pour our hearts in. So how can you do that and then just erase all feeling towards theses characters when you walk out of that audition building? It’s also not helping that I get way too many telemarketing calls that give me a heart attack each time because each time it is an unknown number and they could be calling about something… exciting. Instead it is usually someone calling about a fake deal on car insurance. Or to tell me that my computer is broken. Lord help us all.
More on the Sacred Places.
I was so scared to go to Temple because it does seem to really be like a members thing. They’re not exactly ushering people in off the streets to come into temple. …It feels a bit more sacred than that. …Also you’re Jewish by birthright. So really both clubs are exclusive. One is hard for me because I don’t feel like I get to join the club if I don’t believe a certain thing. And belief for me is ever evolving- I mean I’m a human. So the idea that my belief determines my eternity is kinda hard for me to grapple with. On the other hand you can’t be Jewish unless you’re born into it. So talk about exclusivity. But they don’t care what you believe- if you’re Jewish you’re Jewish. I mean that’s not always true many people in the Jewish tradition do care what you believe especially if you are more traditional/conservative. And you can convert to Judaism. Absolutely. It’s absurd to think about the number of people who have told me I’m not actually Jewish because my mother isn’t Jewish. Or that I’m not Christian unless I believe x, y, z, and if I am baptized with x, y, z. People really want to put you into a category.
I find myself laughing at myself writing this because of what I have learned over the past year about the Enneagram. Because I am a 4 it is part of my personality to want to be an individual. And at the same time feel like an outsider. It’s like we want to be special and unique and no one else is like us… but then we feel all left out and isolated because no one is like us and we’re not part of the group. It’s kind of funny. So I do recognize now that part of why I relate to religion like this is because of who I am on a basic level and how I exist in the world… my personality. And yet- I think a lot of people in my generation feel this way. Feel that they don’t belong in the box. A huge number of people in my generation would say that they are not religious. I don’t have statistics here but I would imagine more people than ever before. And yet I would also say that more of them than ever before hear the heartbeat that lies underneath “religion”. They talk about their lives as journeys and they can see big picture how they are connected to…. well everything. Other people, the Earth, energy, Spirit. They understand their energy has an impact. Their thoughts and their actions. They are spiritual. Even if they wouldn’t call themselves this. So many people won’t call themselves this because they don’t fit in the previous boxes that were laid out for them that were labeled “spiritual”. I know this is not just my generation. But I do think I can hear this in the whispers of my generation- louder than the people who came before us. I met a friend of a friend last year who wore the star of David around his neck and a cross. When I asked him about it he said “I am both, and I am neither.”
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