Boot Girl

Day 1: Doctor says I can’t use my foot. Quit my job? Probably. Is audition season ruined? Maybe. Also my life is over. 

Day 2: Sleep a long time. Wake up. Too many things to do and nothing to do. So. I’ll just be paralyzed. Friend offers to bring over lunch and wine. It’s 1pm. Why not? Another friend comes over. Good friends. She leaves. Now it is nighttime. Hmmmm seems like I didn’t do a lot today. Decide to audition tomorrow. Talk to roommate about this. Realize this is crazy. Stay up and submit for theatres/shows online. Does anybody watch these anyways? Try to sleep. Doctor says I have to sleep in my boot. I try. Does not go well. Can’t sleep. Look up information about injury online. Bad idea. Horror stories. Can’t sleep more.

Day 3: Wake up. I have taken off my boot in the night. Get up and make gourmet breakfast. I should be on Chopped. Or The British Baking Show. I will watch that later. Try to meditate. Does not go well. Still anxious. And yet mind is more clear. Excited to do some things and sing some things. Roommate comes home. I meditate with her. Realize Maybe everything will be okay after all. Maybe life is not over. Maybe this is all a blessing. We watch Vanessa Hudgens in her Christmas movie. Cuz we make our own rules. 

And that’s pretty much where I’m at. Those were the first few days of my week. Apparently my sesamoid bone is fractured. Which is like the tiniest bone EVER. And yet apparently very important. We don’t know how long it has been fractured. The “we” is me and the large team of doctors and medical professionals I have by my side at all times….ha. I’ve had trouble with this part of my foot for years. I’m gonna say it probably wasn’t really fractured until recently. And my body is going to heal it. Because it is good at healing. It does make me kind of want to vomit though thinking about all of the things I was doing on it before finding out that it is br’oke. 

My doctor is a no-nonsense New Yorker for sure. But she was patient with me in the room while it took me a series of questions to understand what wearing a boot meant… 

Doc. “I can put you in a cast or I can put you in a boot. The good thing about the boot is you can take it off to shower. Some people choose a cast because they don’t trust themselves in a  boot.”

me. “Okay cool. So can I go to the gym?”

Doc. “I mean…. You can’t do any lower body. I guess you could do some upper body while seated.”

me. “Okay. Can I go swimming?”

Doc. “….No…you can’t move your foot.”

me. “Okay. Can I do floor barre? It’s non-weight bearing and you’re on your back.” (I proceed to show her the exercises we do in floor barre with my good foot).

Doc. “No!! You can’t do that, you can’t move your foot!”

me. “Okay… okay. Any physical therapy?”

Doc. “Not for 8 weeks”.

Woof. Now I am boot girl. 

I was growing unhappy in the pattern of my life. I had grown bitter about serving (partly because of how f@#$@#ng bad it hurt to stand for so long). The restaurant I worked at allowed me to be independent, to make good money and pay for what I needed. As my friend put it, it was a “means to my dreams.” And for that I am grateful. And maybe eventually I will be able to work an occasional shift. But it wasn’t how I truly wanted to be spending my time anymore. It was slowly picking away at my sanity actually.  

My voice teacher told me a couple times, earlier in his career, whenever he started to feel disheartened and tired of the grind, he would make a change. And he encouraged me to make a change-whatever that needed to be. But it is scary to make a change! It is scary to quit your job. Sometimes it takes a disruption to halt life as you know it altogether- to point you towards where you’re really meant to go. And where you want to go. 

Being in this boot sucks. I have to walk slow. I can’t go to dance calls. I have no idea what people are going to think when I walk into a singer call. I can’t really accept a contract that starts any time soon-unless they want a “girl in a boot”. In which case I would be ideal. This boot has halted a lot of the things I was planning to be doing at the moment. But in another way it has gotten rid of a lot of options for me- and pointed me in a much clearer direction. It has cleared out a bunch of crap and left me with ‘what can I do now?’

I feel as if my soul has been calling out to the universe to slow down. I’ve walked down the street many times- catching myself rushing just because I’m so used to it. Used to moving at the pace of the city. ‘How do you move slow in this city?’ I have thought to myself numerous times. Well- now I will find out. Because boot girl can’t walk fast. I will now be the person people rush past to get to the subway. …As soon as I start walking to the subway. 

It is funny because really to take the subway anywhere still requires a lot of walking. My roommate and I were talking about how much walking would be required to go to an audition. I would need to go down early and sign up, then come home. Then go back down and come home. This would mean at least 1.5 miles of walking. And if I lived in a regular little town and I had a broken foot- the idea of walking for a mile and half would be absurd! She helped me accept that I really shouldn’t walk much for at least a week. So back to the question of ‘What can I do now?’ Well a lot actually. I can work on video submissions (which are basically like online auditions). I can focus on using tools online to get appointments instead of standing in line at 6am. I can work on my singing and my acting. And let dance take a breath for a while. I can study to become a fitness trainer! Which has been a goal of mine for a while. But the timing hasn’t seemed right. And I can find jobs where I can work from home. Which is a very funny little journey to be on. Suggestions are welcome. 

Meet Boot Girl:

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I was able to sleep in the boot last night…. But I didn’t have my foot all the way strapped in. It hurts in the night! I don’t know how to do it!