What a week it has been.
Last night I was trying to get to bed after work- it was going on 2am and I had an audition to get up for in the morning. I was searching under my bed with a flashlight for my umbrella when I saw into the bottom of the air pump I was borrowing from Joe. And what I saw freaked me OUT. At first glance it just looked like some cob-webs and fuzz…but nope. Those were spider egg nests. Like-a ton of them. Ohmygosh Ohmygosh. I quickly ran the pump to the bathroom- in case they decided to hatch right in that moment of course- and tried to wash it out in the tub. Those spider webs are strong though, and I ended up needing to wipe them out with toilet paper. This made me so so sad because then I could see all of the little eggs. And come on haven’t you read Charlotte’s web?! I played Charlotte in the play, so I felt pretty vicious disposing of the nests. But on the other hand can’t have millions of spiders hatching under my bed so I did what needs to be done. I think there were four nests in there. Uck.
At the restaurant I work for two older men came in that I recognized from several months ago. As they walked back to their table they got my attention,
“Hello, you probably don’t remember us…”
“I remember you! It took me a second to place you but I know just who you are.”
They were two pastors who had come into the restaurant to see each other for the first time in some- 30/40 years. I believe they knew each other in college. One of them described how he had different priorities back then and didn’t have his life together….I mean who does in college… I think he said something about living a sinful life…. I don’t know. But basically they lived different lives back then- one of them was potentially wild- but the two were friends. Recently he got this feeling that he should reach out to his old friend- to find out that they had both become pastors and had families and didn’t live far from each other. So strange! They had no idea what the other one was up to in life until the one reached out. When I approached the table one of them brought up how the last time they were at the restaurant I told them I have a Jewish parent and a Christian parent and I was struggling with my faith. …I’m not sure this is what I told them. Haha. But I’m sure I was having some existential crisis at the time- but that’s like a normal day for me. And I guess one could say at any given point that I am “struggling with my faith”. But I wouldn’t say that. I would say I don’t fit in the boxes people want me to fit in. So if that means I’m struggling. Sure. Label me however you want.
I ended up messing up one of the guys’ orders. The number of times I will ring in a country fried catfish instead of a country fried chicken dinner or vice-versa is astounding to me. They were very patient with me but I could tell it was frustrating because the one guy’s meal had to be re-made and then they couldn’t really eat together. I offered them a free dessert. Gotta keep in good graces with those pastors. They asked me about auditions and before they left they asked if they could say a prayer for me. I don’t think I have ever turned down a prayer. But it was super weird because I was like- working- and so I was the weird girl in the corner praying with her table. But it was so nice. To have someone reach out their heart to me- and to the universe- and to ask God for blessings and peace.
I got home that night and was having a hard time keeping my chin up about auditions. The despair trap is just so easy to slide into. Joe told me that he had spent some time in a church that day. There is a Catholic Church near one of the locations we audition at. He goes in there for some quiet time sometimes. Or to light candles I think…who knows what he’s doing in there haha. This day he told me he accidentally went in right before a noon service was starting. So he stayed. Which is not something he would usually
I learned a lot this week about staying positive for auditions. Sometimes it is so hard not to get caught up in wanting the job and wanting to be the right thing for the people behind the table. But as my friend Annie reminded me this week it’s about going in and doing our work. I was listening to Rob Bell on the Robcast this week and he said “You are already at the party”. These words calm me down. I’m already here. I don’t have anything else to prove or earn or do. Going to this audition and doing my art is the thing. It is the party. And I am here.
I got the JOY of spending time with my Habibis last weekend. Which is just an outdated Hebrew slang word that Josh gave to our group of friends that got to travel with Birthright Israel together last
Any time you’re doing what you love, whether it’s performing or auditioning or dancing in the living room, it’s the celebration of all of the work and love and tears you have expended to learn your craft.
When your doing becomes your being, you’ve got it. And you’ve got it. Take as much joy in auditioning as you do in performing – they are exactly the same from the standpoint of your heart and soul. It’s only your mind that gets in the way of the celebration. Silly brain.
YES. That is it!! I love this. <3 Silly brain. Thank you.