There have been many days this past week that have felt like pretty low lows. Days where slipping into despair seems inevitable. January is often a very difficult month for me. Does anyone else feel this way? I’m not completely sure why. The low after the high celebratory season? Maybe it feels like there is nothing to look forward to? But that doesn’t make sense- because there is literally everything to look forward to- the entire year.
I remember listening to a podcast (I know, I know, that’s all I do all day long) and learning how negative thoughts are like velcro. They stick to your brain and have a chemical impact immediately. Positive thoughts, however, require focusing and thinking about them for 15-20 seconds for them to impact the brain at all. I really don’t know what podcast I heard it from and I do not have the science to back this up. But go with me here. Negativity can swarm the mind so easily. This time of year- and being here in the city- the negativity can drown you. I’ve had several moments lately where I’m like- oh yeah- that’s why people move away from here. There was an audition earlier this week that I really wanted to be seen for. I have not yet joined the union which means getting seen at most auditions is muuuuuchhhh more challenging. I can’t complain really. Because I, fortunately, have earned eligibility to join the union. But the decision to join is multi-layered for me. And I haven’t yet joined. Soooo we won’t call this complaining… just telling the damn story of hundreds (thousands?) of us out here.
I got up early. We’re talking 5am. (What is this- Player tour? ;)). To go sign up on a list. I ride the subway down. There is an empty seat that I take in the corner of the train and it literally smells like poop. I look around me and under my seat expecting to find a literal fresh piece of poop. I do not find one. I do not move but breath through my mouth the whole way down. Sitting is worth saving my legs after standing all night serving at the restaurant.
I make it down to the building. I was thinking I would get to sign up on the list and then go right home. At this type of call that is usually standard procedure. Apparently for this particular building this was not the procedure anymore- and hadn’t been since the summertime. (There are so many different un-written rules. The logistics of auditioning are sometimes the hardest part). So at this building they no longer allow the sign-up list. Everyone has to stand in a line and wait until the building opens at 7:00am to sign up…ahem… until the lobby opens at 7:00am to sign up. (The floor with our studios on it doesn’t open until 8:00am…so the Equity people without an appointment continue to wait in line outside until 8:00am). So I wait in line for about an hour in the wet and the cold. People are kind. Some of us chat. I get on the list. I am number ten. Pretty good. I go home. I go back to sleep. -I closed at the restaurant the night before so not much sleep happened. I wake up to emails from the restaurant about lots of various things that I don’t care to write about. We’ll just say it was some extra negativity I velcro’d into my brain. I make it down to the audition. I look at the list: 260 non-Equity women have signed up. Someone had drawn a big line across the page and wrote “closed”. A line had formed in the middle of the very crowded room- of Equity ladies. I ask a girl at the front if she knows if they are seeing non-Equity today. She does not look up from her phone- she does not look at me at all. But she replies “No, not seeing non-eq today. They’re accepting drop-offs” I look back at the list. I see now written beneath “closed” is “Not seeing non-eq today.” I put my headshot in the pile of non-eqs- that likely does not get looked at by anyone. I get out of there as fast as I can. I am exhausted. And soon it will be time to go back to work. Que more velcro. Que despair setting in.
I have done this before. I have waited in line. This day was more extreme though. A taste of what full-fledged audition season is about. There were probably a couple hundred Equity women there that day. And this was one audition of many going on at the same time.
Thinking about the numbers and probability of what it takes to get seen and cast easily leads to despair. Even when you are Equity. It just all seems impossible. And yet…it doesn’t really make sense or mean much to think about the numbers…to think about how many other people are doing this and how much “competition” there is. Because the thing is people are doing it. Just about every play I can think of is about something extraordinary happening. If these are the kind of stories we want to tell- we have to believe in them. And if we believe in them- numbers mean nothing.
It seems impossible. But when I get to sit back and think a moment, I have been in many other places in my life where my position just seemed impossible. Actually many steps of the way simply felt impossible-until I did them. So quickly we forget. We take for granted that- we’ve already done the impossible. Our brain just has re-programmed it as possible. So now when we come across more impossible things- we have already forgotten the possibility of being able to do the impossible.
This past week was strange and often times painful. But through pain there is always growth. As I left the audition I felt pretty hopeless. I don’t remember everything that was going on in my mind- other than it (my mind) was a scary place to be. I went to give Joe a hug at work and then went on to the gym. I had to do something. I got warmed up at the gym and climbed the stairs to the free weights floor. I started to work on squats and as I did I felt life returning to my body. I thought back to the enneagram email I had gotten for this day: “Can you fully experience your presence here and now? Connect with the sensations of life in your body, from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet today.” (This message is specifically for number 4’s- which is my personality type on the enneagram. We tend to get stuck in our heads a lot). A lightbulb went off: in my head I feel weak and incapable in this moment- but in my body I am strong. Feeling my legs working brought me out of my head and into my body-where there was much strength left. It proved my head wrong. And the velcro began to fall away.
I finish my workout and open my phone to an encouraging text from a friend. “Sometimes you gotta think long term goals over short and mine is to have a well balanced life and enjoy this career.” -She sent this to me right when I needed it; more-so right when I was ready to listen. Of course. How could I have forgotten? I have many goals in my life and my career. But to forget my biggest goal is a straight shot towards despair- which is TO ENJOY IT. Otherwise what. is. the point. Of anything? No matter what your life holds- there are things to be enjoyed. So many many things. This season of strangeness may require a bit more effort from me to find the joy- but if that’s actually my goal- then it can be done. Velcro brain: goodbye. Gratitude practice: hello.
One of my gratitudes today: my chair. In my chair I meditate and I write. I love my chair. How lucky for a girl like me in NYC to have a chair.
My awesome friend Abbey Hunt started a team for “Cycle for Survival”. In February we will be joining in a cycle-o-thon where we ride a stationary bike to raise money for research for rare cancers. We are riding in honor of our dear friend, Mitch Link. Talk about a man who knew how to find joy-anywhere. To learn more about this cause and to donate, follow this link! Any amount is appreciated.
Luv what u have to say jenna. This one really hit me. Thank u for making me take time to be more positive. Life is full of ups and downs. But it’s what u take from it that matters. Luv u and miss u