Reckless living. Fearless Riches.

The Reckless Part.

My Dad says he didn’t stop living recklessly until he was about 40. But reckless wasn’t quite the right word… living hard. Maybe. Living big? He kept changing his mind about the right word. But he says I’m like him. And he’s definitely right. I constantly have all these little injuries on my body. It’s kind of funny. I guess that is also a life of a dancer- to have lots of aches and pains. The life of any athlete really. But this thing I experience feels a bit different… sometimes I am like a walking tornado. Like I might just swing into you accidentally and we will both be torn apart. And there will be a trail of destruction behind me. I took some time to ponder this over. 

A new dance teacher (new for me) that I recently started studying with has helped me immensely in a few short weeks. He tells me “training giants is his specialty”. He calls to me during the warm up to move from my center. “Your center is everything. Your center is your sun. Move from your sun.” He also calls me giraffe. Perhaps truly grounding in my center will stop me from flinging energy all over the place. And from smacking things. And from being a tornado. Perhaps.

I was in the dressing room at Steps (my place of dance) and was in a hurry as per usual. I had on some super thick leggings. They are cute and comfy. But I didn’t realize how tight they were and how difficult they were to get off. I was trying to change clothes as quickly as possible (because that’s what reasonable people do) so I tried to rip them off my leg. But they were stuck. And I pulled my finger. As in PULLED my finger muscles. How does one injure their finger while changing clothes?! By being a little too intense about it that’s how. That was about three months ago and it is still not better because I keep re-pulling it every so often. Just a little- but enough to keep it slightly meh. It’s hard to open bottles. Poor me. But my thought is -why must I be so intense about everything? When I walk down the street I very rarely walk slowly. I almost always am speed walking or run walking or full on running so I can make a certain train and be somewhere 5-9 minutes quicker. Commute here for me is always at least partially by foot.

I have realized that I am always rushing. Then my dad told me about how we live hard. And it kind of clicked that maybe the pains in my body are related to this. And that maybe slowing down will do something grounding to my soul- and to my body. I think I need to be reminded to slow down often. It’s not something that comes naturally. My Dad says maybe I can figure it out before I am 40. I try walking slow… strange. When I walk slow it doesn’t hurt…so much. I remember hearing on a podcast (Almost 30 podcast) that you should see what it feels like in your body not to be rushing. hmmm…it does feel different. Imagine that. 

So I’m hella wise now because I understand all about not rushing and things. I wake up this morning and stumble backwards into Joe’s bicycle spikes and now my heel is bleeding. So much for that. Maybe this not living hard thing is deeper than I can get to right now. But to be fair that’s totally something my Dad would still do today even though he is far past his epiphany at age 40.

The Riches Part. 

I sit with my friend for a tea date and the fears and worries start pouring out of me before I even realize what had been weighing on me. This worry about money- not even just for me. But for the people around me in my life. I just don’t want people to have to struggle. I want everyone to be okay. Tears begin streaming down my face as I tell her stories and I start to laugh. I tell her I have cried in this coffee shop so many times. Annie and I like to come here and just sit and cry. It’s like a fun past time. But somehow I’m comforted at the normalcy around me. Of course sometimes it’s slightly embarrassing to cry in such a public place. I don’t really feel that here though. It’s like New Yorkers are so used to shutting out all the crazy- they are un-phased. I don’t feel ignored or shamed. I more feel respected like everyone around me is giving me a giant hug by not staring at me- by acting like a human having emotion is normal. They accept it as part of the environment. Anyways. Back to the money. I do not believe putting fear into the universe about my financial situation or anyone else’s is helpful. I think putting that fear out puts a strain on your flow of money. But gosh is it hard as an artist. And hard as anyone particularly in New York. I ran across this quote in a note in my phone this week. “Your intentions are nuclear”. I am certain this was said by Rob Bell although I did not cite an author. Your intentions are nuclear. I remember him having much to say about this. About why prayers actually affect those you are praying for. About when you intend things for your life and for others they are felt, received, and passed on by others. So if I keep in my heart a strong fear about finances- the universe will listen. But if I build a calm and a trust surrounding money- not panicking, letting it take care of me, and trusting that there will be enough- I believe that will not only have an effect on my mental health- but I believe it will actually have an effect on my finances. You might say this sounds very hippy dippy. And to that I say sure does and I sure am. 

Happy New Year! I thought about including a picture of my nasty heel cut. But who wants to see that. So here is a picture of me and my friend Marek. Early in the morning. Hitting that audition trail.