I have been thinking a lot lately about what it felt like when I first got here and what it feels like now. Now I feel grounded. I feel solid in who I am and I feel ready to share that with other people. I planned to start this blog right when I got to New York. And I tried. A lot. But it felt like such heavy lifting. I truly wasn’t ready to share. Or to be seen. My identity and the way I thought I was seen had gotten so twisted up. I needed time to let go of that image of myself- and to strip down to a truer one. Or build to a truer one. Both. I remember a day so clearly when I began to realize I needed time. And that everything didn’t need to happen at once. I think I wrote this the third week I was here. I of course wrote this for the blog I was going to get launched the very next week… which turned into many months. And looking back- thank goodness I took that time. I would not feel the way I do now without having taken it. Thank you past me for slowing down and reminding me to slow down even now. And thank you to the people on that day who woke me up. I love looking back at when things felt like they were all falling apart. Because now things feel like they are all coming together.
February 2019:
Wow. Here I am. In NEW York. Everything is moving fast. And I jumped right in trying to move fast. I think I had a vision of what Jenna in a couple years from now looks like in the city. And I wanted it to happen now. I thought I was supposed to make it happen now. I started running right along at speed- but quickly felt the ground moving out from under me- I had no ground to stand on. How hard it is in this city-where there are so many voices, so many pressures, so many other people running. “Stay in your lane” My mom texts to me when I start to worry about what other people are doing- what other people might be running towards. What a difficult thing to do- to stay on your own track. My goal for this year was to learn to trust myself. -In every aspect of life. But in order to do that I think I need to get quiet with myself. Get really good at listening to which voice is really mine. I need to slow down. I will be challenged in this place- I think I have been brought to a place in life where I have two choices: learn to trust myself, or lose myself.
It wasn’t until talking with my old teacher today, who happened to be in town and happened to have one hour free when I got off work, that I realized I wasn’t trusting my path. She basically wrote me a permission slip to get settled and grounded in New York. And not to go on auditions until I feel the ground beneath my feet- it is then that I will be able to go on auditions joyfully. It is occurring to me that what I am going to do here in my life is going to be something of might. And to do it I am going to need deep roots, as to not be tipped over easily. If I want my work to be grounded and whole-hearted- I first must be grounded and whole hearted. And that starts at home.
As I leave my friend/teacher’s hotel, I feel myself on a new path. I feel right where I’m meant to be, but like I have some slowing down to do. I take in this thought as I sit on the bench in the subway. A girl of about 15 comes up to me and asks if she could interview me for a school project she was doing.
“I’m writing a report on art in the subways. Can I record you?” She says with a gentleness and excitement. She asks if I had noticed the art on the wall next to me. “No- I hadn’t actually”. I begin to take in the massive tiled work with a few figures patched out. The center figure is a rabbit- and there is a bright red heart in the middle of him. “I was actually just thinking about how I needed to slow down and notice things when you came up to me.”
“Oh, wow!” She took as much joy in this as I did. “Do you like it now that you notice it?”
“Oh yes, I love it! It looks like Alice in Wonderland!”
“It is!!” She says with delight. She tells me a bit about the works in this subway station. She has clearly done her research. She asks about how often I notice art in the subway.
“Probably about 20% of the time,” I realize as I speak to her. I look to the dark tracks. And think about the homeless and hurting who beg on the trains. “There is so much darkness down here. When I come down here I usually just block everything out.” She asks if I think the art in the subway is important- even if people don’t notice it. “Of course it is! All things of beauty in the world are important. I think art can change the subway stations! Art can change the world.” This girl has almost brought me to tears with her questions- I realize what is deep inside me as I speak to her. The trains comes booming in and it is time for me to go. We thank each other. And I walk away, so grateful for this girl who has taught me to slow down and to look for the beauty.
This day picked me up out of my head and cracked open my heart a bit. When things get dark- don’t shut yourself down. Don’t hide from the dark inside yourself. When you let yourself feel it- see the dark that is there- you see the subway art as well.
Give yourself space to be you. To process what is in your heart. To be honest with yourself. Give yourself the space to notice the subway art. And the flowers. Trust that the passion will come. Follow the passion.
Back to present day Jenna:
I looked up a link to show you what the subway art at this station looks like- because I don’t have a picture for this one. It shook me to see the title of the artwork: “The Way Out”. I didn’t know this at the time. But I was finding my way out. Thank you Alice.
https://findingnyc.com/2017/01/07/subway-station-art-14/