The Roots I Come From

I am at home in my mountains. It feels amazing. And quiet. And lonely. And supported. And loved. Here in my mountains I feel protected. I feel safe, like nothing can harm me. I grew up in a quiet neighborhood off a dirt road in Conifer, Colorado. My home is beautiful. I had no idea exactly how beautiful it was until I left. I knew I had lots to be grateful for. And I never felt like I took my mountains for granted. But after being away and coming back, I have a new deeper appreciation for this beauty. Because I don’t get to see it every day. The trees surrounding my home are pine trees. I very much live in the forrest. There are some Aspen Trees which are very beautiful- they are skinnier trees with white bark and roundish green leaves that turn gold in the fall. All aspen trees are connected underground in one big unit. Well, I’m not sure about all aspen trees. Maybe not all in the whole world. Or maybe all. I don’t know I have heard conflicting information… anyone a tree scientist out there? I do know they very much are literally connected by roots underground. It is incredible. I look outside now to see white dusted trees. The deep dark green contrasting with the white, white snow. Monday was my birthday. I woke up at home (for the first time on my birthday in 9 years! Crazy.). I woke up to find the first snow of the year had arrived. Just for me. And maybe for everyone else too…. :). What a magical day to be home. The first snow in Conifer comes with mixed responses from mixed people. But I think more-so than most places, in Conifer the first snow is welcomed. It is true magic. Conifer is a beautiful place. And then the snow comes as if to say look again- there’s new magic here that you didn’t notice before. The snow is proud I think. It does know how beautiful it is.
Being home is so interesting. I think most times coming home over the past 9 years has been a highly emotional thing. It was so hard to leave my home and my state when I graduated high school, but I knew it was what I needed to do. I’d come home with so much nostalgia and so much longing for what my life used to be. This time I come home with a full appreciation for what this place is for me. But with peace in my heart- that it is okay that I am not here. But the trees welcome me back- as if to say, ‘we will always be here for you’. I felt a big connection to the trees growing up. There was one spot in my yard where I had discovered the trees grew in a circle and there was a tiny baby tree in the middle that was just slightly shorter than I was. I decided this was my growing tree. This was the tree that would grow with me. We would grow together. In a few years it grew several feet higher than me and today I would not know where to look for it, but I am sure it towers above me. Perhaps maybe my heart has grown that big. But my body stops at six feet. (No arguments please the doctors agree. Six feet people. Not a bit over.). Maybe that’s why people think I am so much taller. Because I carry the aura of my growing tree with me and it is giant. This yard has heard all my secrets. These trees hold so much of my life in them. Thank you forrest, for growing with me.
This town makes me feel safe and protected-except for the highway. Holy crap highways scare me now. Its been a while since I’ve driven on one. Forget subways -highways are terrifying. But other than that- I feel like this place could just wrap me up in it and I could sink into the mountain. The mountains are so big and mighty. And it’s so easy for me to hide here. I guess thats why I had to leave- if I stayed I’d hide and I wasn’t meant to hide.
Last night I got the joy of having dinner with some of my high school best friends. I am so incredibly grateful for these women. From a young age these girls influenced who I would become. I think we all helped to shape each other. Although we all are very different- we spent most of the time talking about our different numbers on the enneagram which thank goodness they are as obsessed with it as I am- we all have a common ground. Literally common ground that we grew up on. These ladies made me braver. I am not sure that there was anything that scared them when we were teenagers. They lived fearlessly and helped me to do so. -Except when I would yell at them to stop whatever they were doing because I thought we were all going to die for one reason or another. Their passion for life made me more excited to try new things. They were never afraid to be smart in school. Their work ethic pushed me to work harder. The best thing about these women- their laughter. They laugh openly and frequently and it is impossible not to do so when I am around them.

Tonight I get the gift of going on a mini trip with my Mom. She is one of the coolest ladies I know. I have given a lot of credit to my teachers for shaping me because of their commitment to learning into adulthood. But it was even before them that this concept was shown to me. Really by both my parents, but today is about my Mama. She is always trying new things to expand her life. She is never done growing and that is why I know she’s going to be okay. As I have watched her age she has only become more accepting, more open to change, and more loving. And definitely more brave. I want to be like her. The coolest thing about her is that she doesn’t pretend that she knows what she is doing all the time. From this I learn the most from her. The fact that she can acknowledge “No, I don’t know what’s next” is the bravest thing I have learned from her. My mom lets herself grow personally, spiritually, and professionally.
And she goes on adventures in her RV. Come on. What a cool lady.

Like the aspen trees, I am still connected to all of these women. Roots unseen, but they run deep.

This is my friend Bryn. She makes me feel strong and sane and capable. What an amazing woman. She is doing good work in this world.

In addition to my new-found fear of highways I find myself obsessed with building fires. This was never the case when I lived at home. I have built a fire once or twice every day since I have been home. Mountain girl builds fires. CHECK IT OUT.