When I was a sophomore in college the theatre department started an event at Homecoming called “The First Five Years.” They asked alumni from The School of Theatre Arts who had been out of school for five years to come back and speak about what they had been up to and what they had learned since graduation. This event was extremely impactful for me. To see alumni who were first of all- still alive. Not homeless starving artists on the streets of New York or somewhere. Alive and still doing theatre. Alive and happy and successful- wherever their path had led them. I cannot believe it is my year to attend this event as an alumni. It feels as if I was in school a week ago. And at the same time I feel like a completely different person. Over the past four plus years, anytime I was learning something hard or working to overcome something, I would think about this event and what I would say to my college self. It helped me a lot- to talk to my past self in this way. I wrote out some notes from my current self to my past self. This isn’t really advice for current college students, although it could be. Everyone’s path is different. I have no idea if current students need to hear what I needed to hear. But here are some words to myself.
A Letter to my college self:
Everything is going to be okay. You are going to have a life as an artist. It’s not a question of that. “Making it.” You’re an artist. You will do it. Your dreams and goals will get bigger and clearer. And “making it” will become irrelevant. Because you already are.
Love yourself. Love your dancing. Enjoy your body and love the way it moves. Love your voice. Love your sound. And other people will be able to love it too- they will be able to experience their own joy if you love and enjoy yourself and your abilities first.
Breathe. Peace is right there with you. It is not far away. Just breathe.
You’re going to have a career. So stop worrying about that. That is something you can ‘make happen’. Focus on your art. Dig into it. -That’s where the real gold is at. People can give you jobs but they can’t make you an artist. You’re the only one who can do that.
Stop trying to make things happen. Let things happen. Your Mama will teach you- “Allow the unfolding.”
The boy who broke your heart will not ruin your life. I promise. It really feels like it now. But he just won’t. He will only teach you who you really are. -The next boy won’t ruin your life either. And you won’t ruin his.
You are going to be able to dance. Stop worrying about being behind. You’re right where you’re meant to be. Your body is stronger than you know. And it is capable of far more than you know at this point. Trust it. Love it. It is good. It is not something working against you. Live in it. It’s the only place you’ve got to live right now.
Stop worrying.
God is bigger than you know or can explain. You already know this. Just let go. Stop trying to define and hold onto an image of this. The journey continues.
Not everyone will like you. Some people will be afraid of you. You cannot help this. Do not make yourself smaller. You are bigger than you feel. Physically, mentally, spiritually. Vocally. You are big. Be big.
Trust yourself.
Love your friends and the people around you. Pay attention to them. They are more precious than time itself. Give them your time.
You knew who you were when you were ten years old and that confidence is still within you. It’s who you are.
Don’t hide from any honest feelings. Hiding them doesn’t make them go away.
Do not fear your feelings. They are just feelings.
It’s never your job to save someone’s life. You can only be a friend.
Go to counseling. Everyone needs it.
What you are doing is IMPORTANT. The world needs art. It always has and it always will. Don’t for a second think you are not making a difference by becoming an actor. That you might make a bigger difference in this country doing something ‘more serious or more necessary’. This country needs art. Americans are having a harder and harder time expressing themselves. All art gives access to expression. This art you are taking part in lets people see themselves in a story. Feel connected to humanity. In a country where people are shut down from their emotions and depression is on the rise- what could actually be more important? You provide access to the heart. The stories you take part in will actually increase a person’s ability to empathize. (You will learn, there are studies on this). This art is the anecdote. Anyone who doesn’t get it- doesn’t get it. And you don’t need them to. Carry on. This is what you’re here for.
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Advice to your current self from your future self. About 20-30 years down the road:
You are going to be okay. Your marriage is going to be beautiful. So stop worrying about it. And your family is going to be close and healthy and messy. Your career is going to explode. So stop worrying about it. You are going to be a great mother. So stop worrying about it. Get more sleep. Meditate more. Peace is within you. Make time for the ones you love most. Enjoy the adventure. Because that’s all it is. Open your heart and let it feel heartbreak and joy and love to the fullest. Never stop questioning. Keep writing. You are an artist. Your body can do hard things. You will keep training. Go deeper into your voice. It is a direct connection to your soul. Let your voice speak and sing from the core of you. Trust yourself and your discoveries. You know what you’re doing. It is okay if you don’t know what you’re doing- never stop jumping into unknown territory. This way you will forever be young. Learn to celebrate the success of others fully- the ones you love and the ones you do not. You are a woman now. You will grow into a patient and wise woman. Who doesn’t give a fuck about things not worthy of her time. Enjoy every single thing that you can.
….
This is me and my friend/wifey Angie. Mountain girl (In a different city). On my way to my alma mater (who says that?) Illinois Wesleyan University. She was very adamant about pointing out the mountains in this window. And told me the tale of the photo she took posing by the mountains previously, and decided we needed another one-together. Grateful for good friends and wild nights. Yes… this is my version of a wild night.
You are a wise woman.