This week I have decided to share some of my thoughts and experiences as I jumped into auditions. This feels more like a journal entry than a blog post. A bit scattered. A lot vulnerable. But today is Thursday and in life we have deadlines people! So here it is. Unsynthesized and messy. But this is what was going on inside me! Jump into my internal if you dare!
Day One Auditioning:
Today was my first audition in the city. Well, my first audition in about six months and what felt like my first real audition. My first audition where I felt like me and I sang like me. It was absolutely thrilling. I could not have done this six months ago. I needed to study.
There was a girl who was saying that they were only looking for men and looking for women of color. This seemed to irk her and I got the sense she felt today was a slight waste of time. To me- I feel like people who say things like that don’t get how this whole thing works. Because it rarely works that you audition for a show and you are perfect for what they want and so they cast you. When the people behind the table get to know you- that’s when you start to have chances. And the only way for that to happen is to show up. You are not auditioning to book that job. You are auditioning to book a job that you don’t even know about yet. You are auditioning to widen your net of connections in this industry and form relationships. And to freaking practice your craft. No audition is a waste. Not a single one. You get a chance to practice doing a play, living an internal life, and handling the extreme and strange circumstances of auditioning. Your nervous system needs practice to handle that in a healthy way. -You don’t want to audition and then retain all of that nervous energy somewhere in your body where it’s slowly hardening your insides and making you bitter. You want to learn to let it flow through you-processing it in a healthy way.
Day Two Auditioning:
Wow today my nervous system was on overload. There were a lot more people here for the ECC- which means “Equity Chorus Call” (Equity is our union)- that were at the EPA- which means “Equity Principal Call”. And It made me realize how much the energy of others impacts me. Being aware of the affect of other people’s energy is going to help me a lot going forward I think. It was like my nervous system could barely handle it. My breathing was difficult. The rest of the day unlike yesterday I did not feel energized, I felt in a slump. I felt so drained from the adrenaline rush and crash. But at the same time my anxiety was grasping my body and not letting loose. Feeling wired yet so drained you might fall asleep are very strange feelings to be feeling at once. But I swear that’s what it felt like. So what is it that is seeping into my being from other people? Well everyone talks. People say things that’s for sure. Letting the things people say be “white noise” is key I think. Unless of course I want to write about it- but how do I not take it into my body? Other people’s fears and doubts and anxieties. How do I protect my aura when I can feel all of that swirling around in the air around me? But “protecting” my body is the opposite of preparing my body to create art and share. Maybe a better thing than protecting myself is just processing it all so it doesn’t get stuck? Feeling it all. No that can’t be it. Feeling everything I have to feel- yes. But everything the room has to feel? No. That sounds draining. After two days of auditioning I can feel my whole back locking up. I can feel my stress all being held in my shoulders. Its hurting me more there than if I were to process it and let it go. But how does one do that?
Day Three Auditioning:
Wow. So this morning I went to go audition and signed up on the list. I sat down in the room. There were a few people scattered about. I sat down and zoned out for a minute. Then I had to get out of there. It felt like my chest was so tight my heart was going to rip right out of it! It is so interesting. I can tell that auditioning is going to be a lot on my body. But I know it was made for this. I know it can handle this- I just have to learn how. I remembered when my doctor several years ago told me to do sprints for anxiety. I am grateful to be in a much better place and much less anxious that I was in the years past. It was day 3 of auditioning and this sensation in my body felt extreme. I walked to the gym and warmed up a bit and then hopped on a treadmill. I ran and ran and ran and did intervals so it was like sprints. I got off the treadmill and felt so much better. My body doesn’t quite yet know how to hold the adrenaline and anxiety and fear and excitement that comes along with auditioning. Or perhaps it doesn’t know how to take the energy and send it through. But I will learn how! And that is an exciting thing for me! That I can recognize there is some fucked up shit happening in my body under these crazy circumstances- but know that it is in my power to learn to cope. It’s funny because a few years ago I don’t think I would have had language to describe it in this way. I remember a couple years ago doing a show at Barter that required crazy and athletic energy from me that I was not used to. One of the more experienced company members said something to me about this show being a real adrenaline high, and she has learned how to handle all of that in her body. This is something that my body can learn to process. Learn to handle. It’s such a strange feeling when the adrenaline then leaves your body.- You are left feeling completely drained. But still with some twinge of energy running through your veins. At least this is how I am experiencing it. I got back to the holding room and put on my makeup and saw some friends there. Then they made the announcement that they were releasing non-union actors. I have not yet joined the union and so that meant- go home Jenna. Haha.
Day Four:
I did a dance call. It did not go very well. -It wasn’t a complete disaster- but I didn’t dance confidently. I didn’t dance the way I know I can. It was a tap call. I went to tap class afterwards and something had awoken inside me. My tap teachers (They are sisters and they are wonderful and they are gonna make me into a tapper dammit!) are always telling me not to wait. Not to hold back. Today this made sense. All of a sudden I could feel when I was previously holding back. And forced myself out of myself further. If that makes sense.
This week I learned that whatever I am auditioning with has got to be more important- for a deeper purpose. It has to be more important that my nerves. One of my directors and mentors back at Barter used to write “peace-core statements”. A statement about why we are doing this play- and why it is important enough to pour our whole hearts and beings into. -Otherwise what are we doing here? We might as well join the peace-core. Every song I sing, every piece I do in an audition room has got to be for a bigger reason than me “showing” myself. Somebody wrote this piece of a play for a reason. It is a story- a piece of someones life that I get to live for a brief moment. What if I had a peace-core statement for every piece that I audition with?
I am so interested to hear from anyone who wants to share your experience and story! Those of you who have been doing this audition thing for years- you rock. You inspire me. Thank you for reading. <3
This is me today and how I feel. Haha! Tired. But also good. Cus I ate a frog.-Did the scary thing.
