I have been on an auditioning hiatus- as in I have not been auditioning. Intentionally. What?! Some of you might be asking. Are you okay? Are you a real actor? Are you falling away from this slowly? Are you just afraid? Hmmm well the answers would be who knows, fuck off, definitely not, and yes, but not “just”. In that order. :). I got to New York and tried to jump into everything-I have an old blog post I wrote several months ago that I’ll share sometime- and quickly realized that I was in a phase where I needed an “off season”. Not an off season from being an Artist- that never goes away truly. But an off season from producing a product and producing it for someone else.
One thing I’ve learned in my young life as an artist- is that performing can get boring. A bartender at the place I work told me last night that she was pursuing tv and film acting, because she realized she needed something more that an “8 show a week life”. Theatre had gotten tiring and old for her. Performing 8 shows a week is still my dream. One of them. To be apart of a group of people-helping to tell a story. That is where my heart lies. And the daily effort to do it new each day-that’s the work I want to do. But that’s the thing- it is work. And to believe that it is something different- something that is supposed to bring you eternal happiness- is where I think many artists get in trouble. I am not saying this is the bartender’s story. I don’t know her details. Everyone’s story is different and personal. I do think though that it is easy to look at “the dream” of Broadway, or any theatre job, through rose-colored glasses. It takes hard work. To get the job yes and then once you get the job more work and then once you open the work is not over. Each day the show must be injected with fresh life, it must happen for the first time, all over again. And from personal experience, this gets exhausting. Being in any kind of performance is a service. And yes that is fulfilling definitely. But sometimes service for others is just that- for others. It is not always going to feel good for you. And if you are in service to you up on that stage- good luck to you. Because in my observation that leads to an even deeper unhappiness.
So yes, performing can get boring. But the thing that is only for me, and the thing that doesn’t get boring- is the learning. The study of the art. Stepping into the role of a student in any field means that you are jumping into limitless territory. There is no end to learning. And there is no limit to your skills. Okay hold it right there and stop comparing yourself to “insert celebrity athlete/artist here”. There is no limit to your skills. Growth is possible. I sometimes think about how I am blessed by having the skills I have-but I am not naturally so skilled that I am uninterested in learning. I cannot think of anything more exciting. To work at something and actually expand on your abilities. To be able to do something today that you truly could not do last year.
All of this said, I needed an “off-season”. I needed some time not to produce- not to perform, and not to audition, but just to practice. To hone my skills. To expand my skills. To take a breath. To be a human. -Which is an important part of being an artist by the way- we so often forget. When I first got here I began to audition and something deep inside me was upset. I wasn’t ready. “You’ll never be ready,” one of my best friends told me. Then he asked me, “Are you afraid?” …yes. Of course I am! I am afraid because- its scary. But something in me knew. You need an off-season. The words weren’t so clear- I don’t know if any of you have inner voices that speak that clearly to you- if you do that’s pretty sweet. My inner voice was more like this dull pull that wouldn’t stop, and somehow I could feel it pulling me out of the public eye-away from auditioning. And this was the reason I needed to not audition. The fear of it was just a little thing I could crush if I ran to it. But it wasn’t the time. It was my “underground time” as my friend Annie puts it.
I want to give other artists permission to give themselves an off season. To take time to develop their skills. To take time to rest. To refuel. To go on vacation. Just because you need time away from auditions does not mean you are facing burnout. It actually may mean you are very healthy, and are recognizing that true burnout is possible and rest will prevent that.
“Performing is always a privilege.” I will always remember sitting in my car before a tech rehearsal at one of my first jobs at a summer stock theatre and hearing these words from my voice teachers over the phone. I was feeling discouraged. Feeling mistreated for some reason or another and worn down by other actor’s negativity. And the thing they had to remind me of was “Performing is always a privilege. It is not a right. And not to be taken for granted.” I am grateful for the opportunity to AUDITION to perform. I am grateful for the underground time. And I am grateful (and terrified) to jump back in. ….And I am grateful today to live in a country where we can vote!
